Restless (adjective)
1. characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest: a restless mood. 2. unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart. 3. never at rest; perpetually agitated or in motion. I know this feeling; the absence of quietness in my mind and heart, the lack of rest. I have experienced it for a while but since I got back from Africa it has been worse—I just can’t feel fully settled. It doesn't matter how much I love where I am or who I am with in the moment; I am still restless, torn between two continents. I find myself often questioning: where is home? Is it right here in Canada, or is it somewhere far away? This question has been wearing me down, especially as I apply to my school program for next year and wonder what September will look like. Will it ground me in Kitchener or send me away? But the other night as I wrestled with these questions God reminded me of truth. He reminded me that I will never find home here. Never. Because home isn’t Kitchener, Kitwe, or anywhere in between. Home is heaven. CS Lewis said, “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” I am a pilgrim. This confusion and restlessness is because I wasn’t made to settle down here in the first place. It’s a strange mindset to have when everyone around me seems to be building up their careers, bank accounts, and properties. It sure looks like I should be building a home here too. But He calls His children to something higher—a life fully dependent on Him, trusting that the best is yet to come in a place we can’t feel, see, or understand now. Until then, I am a pilgrim. I am learning to accept what being a pilgrim means. I am accepting that I will have to say goodbye over and over, because movement requires leaving things behind. It means leaving people and places I love, to go be with other people and places I love. Being a pilgrim means never getting too comfortable in one spot. This may mean financially, spiritually, or geographically. Maybe it will be all three. But as a pilgrim my life shouldn’t be about finding comfort. I am accepting the fact that sometimes my journey will be difficult, confusing, or downright grueling. Sometime I will want to just forget about the journey and start setting up a foundation for a nice big comfortable house. It’s in those times I need to remember no mansion I could build here will ever come close to the one that awaits me. Lastly, I’m learning that my desperate desire to feel settled isn’t strange, it’s actually a void God placed inside me for Him. My heart is aching for home. It doesn’t matter where I travel, what I chase, or who I do it with, the aching will never fully flee. My Maker is calling me to Him, and only with Him will I be home and fully settled.
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