“Far be it from me to not believe, even when my eyes can’t see // And this mountain that’s in front of me, will be thrown into the midst of the sea // And through it all, my eyes are on You, and it is well with me.” -Bethel
I had an incredible summer filled with friends, traveling, and a whole lot of Jesus, and once all of its festivities came to a close and it was time for normal life to start back up, I really struggled. I didn’t want normal life. I wanted to be back at Legacy. I missed Wooster and my fellow students so much it hurt, and I found myself always thinking back to life in Ohio and how desperately I wished I could go back in time and have just one more day of it. I didn’t want to be in Kitchener, I didn’t want to have to think about the future, I just wanted to go back. Life had never been so overwhelming. I bought a car, started a new job, and began looking into post secondary programs for next year, and for the first time I really felt stressed. My life was an entire question mark...I had no idea whether or not I should go to school, what I should go to school for, whether I should look into doing mission work, or stay in Kitchener. With a million things on my mind I struggled to be content where I was. I struggled to be happy with where God had me, I struggled to not long for things to be different. I struggled because my heart was being pulled in so many directions…the pressure so tight I thought it might burst. So I struggled. I struggled to be content right where I was, struggled to trust that the future was clear to Him while it was unknown to me, struggled to find joy in the everyday. Don’t get me wrong—I love my family, I love my church, I love the missions that are happening right here in Kitchener. But still I struggled to find full contentment, still I wrestled to have sweet surrender. But the more I prayed, the more peace I had. The more I cried out, the more my trust grew. I’m sitting here writing this out, telling you that I still don’t have a clue what the future holds for me, and I’m OK with that. None of my questions have been answered yet, but the peace that passes understanding has overcome me, and I can honestly say, it is well. Yes, there are times where my heart starts to fail me when I realize that my whole life is ahead of me and I don’t have a clue where to start, but then He reminds me that if He can part seas, cast out demons, and raise from the dead, He can handle my petty questions. I’m not sure what you, my reader, are facing. But I guess I wanted to share my life with you so you can know that if your life is a giant question mark staring you in the face, you aren’t alone. Satan likes to isolate us and tell us that we’re the only one, when the reality is that pretty much everyone at one point in time has been searching for answers and confused beyond belief. You aren’t the only one that cries because you don’t know how you can pay for your school tuition or car insurance. You aren’t the only one that has doubts about the career you’ve chosen, the job you’ve accepted, or maybe the job you declined. You aren’t the only one struggling to find contentment where you are. You aren’t alone so don’t let Satan tell you otherwise. The past few months have had it's hard moments, but it’s in these unsure, unclear, uncomfortable times that I grow the most. It’s in these times that I come to God not just because He’s my best option, but because I recognize He’s also my only option. It’s now that I learn to depend on Him for my every need, it’s now that I taste and see how good He is and how He is more than enough for a bumbling confused saint like me. So let's not be too embarrassed to ask for prayers, and let's not be too afraid to be vulnerable. We're fallen people in a fallen world and sometimes life is confusing, or scary, or just plain hard. More people get it than you would ever imagine, and beyond that He gets it...He gets it more than all of us combined. So run to Him, rest in Him, and through it all you will be able to say by His grace alone, IT IS WELL.
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